‘I wish I’d had this conversation five years ago, I think it could have saved my marriage.’
When a man called Luke* said this to me at a networking event, I’d already written most of my book on menopause for men. But it cemented for me exactly why I wrote it.
Luke had asked me what I did for work and when I told that I was a menopause educator and coach Luke told me he thought the menopause had contributed to the break-up of his marriage.
He spoke of his ex’s mood changes, libido changes, how he’d felt rejected, and thought it was about him. He wasn’t blaming her, or saying he was a victim – he was simply describing what he felt had happened.
And how he, like many men, didn’t know how to cope with it.
He’s not the first man to have said this to me over the years in my line of work. His experience is a lot more common than we think.
I explained to Luke about the biological changes that occur with perimenopause; how it can affect mood, emotions, energy, sex drive, and so much more.
I told him about my own perimenopause experience: The memory issues, the vaginal and urinary symptoms that had made my life a misery, the debilitating joint pain, the crushing mental and physical fatigue I’d experienced.
Another woman joined our conversation and echoed my experiences with her own.
Luke was astounded to hear how common such difficulties were. And like so many men, he was shocked to discover we women hadn’t been told about perimenopause before it happened to us – how so many women don’t even know what’s happening to their minds and bodies in midlife.
Luke believed that his ex hadn’t known any of this, and that it explained so much of what had happened between them.
Sadly, if he had the knowledge earlier, it could have saved his relationship. They hadn’t had a clue about the menopause transition until it was too late.
Of course, not all the men I’ve spoken to about menopause have lost their relationships, but all of them have shared that their partner’s menopause had been unexpected and brought challenges for them both.
They have used words like ‘confused’, ‘helpless’, ‘overwhelmed’ and ‘frustrated’.
Some of the men had gone online, searching for help, but everything they’d found was written for women.
They got the basic information, but couldn’t find advice on how they could talk about it with their partners, or practical ways they could be supportive. It didn’t make them feel less alone.
I felt it was so important that men had their own information and support around menopause. So many women tell me they felt their partner didn’t understand and that they wished there was a resource for them.
My background is in nutrition, personal training, and human resources, all of which fed into my journey as a menopause educator and led to me writing a book.
I wanted to create a resource that gave factual, practical information about the important role lifestyle plays in midlife wellness – knowledge that can also support and benefit men’s health, too.
This understanding and the conversations it generates can be transformative.
It’s why, in addition to manager training and menopause support for women, I conduct workplace menopause awareness sessions for men and have a free, open Facebook group for blokes.
I don’t just explain symptoms and treatments, I also cover how to have better conversations and skills such as open questions and active listening, so communication is improved and partners really feel heard.
Frustratingly, the menopause is still taboo, meaning both women and men find it hard to talk about – with men being scared of saying the ‘wrong’ thing. It’s only natural, but society has fed into that by not openly talking about it, or educating the masses from an early age.
The silence around the menopause has become normalised.
Women need to welcome men into conversations about menopause with compassion and encourage them to learn and ask questions. And men need to be open to listening and learning.
It’s important that men speak about their feelings and engage in self-care, too. While researching my book, I had several moving conversations with men who were supporting their partners through tough times without having anyone to talk to themselves.
Ultimately, good relationships are about communication, empathy, and understanding. This is true at home, in work and in society.
If women are to be better supported through the menopause transition then men need to be helped to understand what’s happening and why, and be empowered to be supportive.
Because when men understand menopause better, everyone benefits.
*Names have been changed
Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk.
Share your views in the comments below.
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