It may be that sunny, smiling Kemi has found a flaw in Keir’s make-up. His arch-episcopal demeanour falls off quite sharply at certain points in PMQs. He becomes energised, leans in, raises a finger, refers to the Opposition as ‘that lot over there’. The excitement is too much for his voice, it tightens up (for those old enough to remember) into a version of Peter Cook’s character E.L. Wisty, or even less suitably, Derek from the Derek and Clive tapes. It is almost impossible to imagine Keir Starmer reciting “The worst job I ever had” from those times; the mind stops sharply at the words “Jayne Mansfield’s”. But his taut, twisted almost tortured voice lingers on as an impression of the mystery beneath.
What is it about the Leader of the Opposition? Her smile, her warmth, her hair? Something about Kemi brings out the party machismo in Keir. Labour has certainly had a reputation for it since Alastair ‘Two-fist’ Campbell made his mark on the media culture. The impulse to bully young, impertinent, confident women is a general male failing but especially strong in men committed to equality, diversity and inclusion.
With Nigel Farage, Keir is easy and affable. Partly, because he wants those Red Wall voters back but perhaps as much that they are blokes. The Reform leader, with his customary ease, suggested Keir might go some way to repairing relations with Donald Trump by proscribing the Islamic Revolutionary Guard. Wouldn’t that be possible, now it was clear they had commissioned an assassin to kill the US President?
Nice to see him back in the country after so long in America, the PM said to shouts of laughter from his side. Half expecting to see him in the immigration statistics, he went on. Ecstatic backbenchers. One head literally exploding, awful mess. On the matter of banning the IRG, Keir said he would consult across the House and with our allies.
Hard to see the need for much consultation, Farage’s face said eloquently, but it’s probably more complicated than it seems. The IRG can’t be all bad – they really understand how to keep, young, impertinent women in their place for one thing, and for another there’s the Islamophobia vote.
Ayoub Khan (independent, who beat Labour’s Khalid Mahmood this year and may be the first hon. Member of 30-strong Islamic party come 2029) asked the PM to adopt the Islamic definition of Islamophobia. Keir decided not to give his own definition in case the police arrested him at the despatch box as a hate criminal.
Why Islam shouldn’t be called as loathsome as Leviticus is something liberals are unable to explain, but let’s leave that to the police shortly to be knocking on your sketchwriter’s door.
We are still at the introductory stage of Keir and Kemi. Neither has worked the other out.
The PM is flat footed, that might be a starting point for a despatch box strategy (he isn’t losing badly enough on that). Kemi is famously argumentative (she isn’t winning enough on that).
“We have stabilised the economy” is calling for a memorable, quotable rejoinder. ”We haven’t touched National Insurance,” needs some neat knife-work. And the idea that net zero with its multi-billion requirements will reduce energy prices is a gift to an opposition.
Net zero is a vast iceberg which will rip apart Labour’s titanic ambitions for the economy. Only a tenth of it is visible at the moment, but we know the jagged parts are there and we know the ship of state is accelerating deliberately and steadfastedly, directly at it.
LOTO might think of luring her opponent into vocalising some of the 70 impossible things hiding in the net zero plan. There’s a wealth of industry information in there waiting to be put into the public domain – the jobs, the lower prices, the energy security (energy security! Oh, my aching ribs!).
