As a single mum I didn't have sex for five years, now I'm dating a couple

Welcome to How I Do It, the series in which we give you a seven-day sneak peek into the sex life of a stranger.

This week we hear from Autumn*, a 33-year-old writer and single mother, who lives in Yorkshire.

After having a child in her early 20s, single parenting meant that she went without sex for five years – but now, she says her sex life is ‘blossoming’.

‘With a small baby and no help, dating was impossible, and there followed a torturous five year drought where I all but gave up on ever having a sex life again,’ Autumn says.

After her dry spell ended, the mum-of-one started exploring her sexuality, and came out as bisexual three years ago.

‘I suspect I’ve always known I was bisexual but it’s taken me almost 30 years to really admit it. And even then, it’s only a select few in my life who know my true feelings,’ she adds.

She has slept with one woman, who she knew from university, and it was a one-night stand.

‘I spent my adolescence assuming that every girl fantasised about other women and that it didn’t mean anything at all,’ Autumn explains.

‘We were magnetically drawn to each other. It was intoxicating, terrifying and the most turned on I’d ever been from the mere presence of another person.

‘That night is still the only time I’ve slept with a woman, and I was sure for so many years that it was nothing but alcohol and youthful experimentation.’

Now that her daughter, 10, is at school, Autumn has ventured on to different dating apps, and has even started experimenting with polyamory.

‘Dipping my toe in the world of dating apps allowed me to try out new versions of myself without needing to leave the house. It’s given me a chance to connect with people as a woman and not as a mother, and it’s helped me to figure out what I find attractive in a person.

‘Because now I understand that whatever label you want to give me, ultimately I’m drawn to people. Men, women, straight, bi, poly, ethical non-monogamy… for me it’s about fire and connection, and I can’t wait to find out where that will take me next.’

Without further ado, here’s how Autumn got on this week…

The following sex diary is, as you might imagine, not safe for work.

Monday

It’s far from an average day for me, as I spontaneously book a ticket to a speed-dating event tonight.

I head to a hotel room I’ve booked, something I’ve never done alone, so the parent guilt is quick to join the party, but I’m determined to make the most of the opportunity.

I spend an hour hyping myself up in the hotel room, relishing the chance to wear beautiful underwear and get dressed up for a change. The room has a huge ornate mirror next to the bed so I take the opportunity to take some photos before heading to the bar.

As I arrive it’s clear this is not going to be the night I hoped. The venue hardly sold any tickets and instead of a night of endless possibility, I’m cornered for an hour by a guy who’s absolutely not my type, down my drink and leave.

Frustrated and looking for a little satisfaction I start texting my oldest friend (and the one that got away).

He’s a reliably filthy sexter, and it hits every spot I need it to…

Tuesday

I wake up in the hotel and treat myself to a slow breakfast, a simple pleasure that’s a rarity in my everyday parenting life.

My phone lights up with messages from a recent connection on a dating app. Swiping, repetitive conversations and short-lived moments that fade to nothing have become a familiar routine, but it’s worth it for the moments when you find people like this…

The chat is easy, flirty and fun. His profile says he’s polyamourous and we’re soon talking about his partner, what they like and what they’re looking for.

I’ve always considered myself a one-person-at-a-time kind of woman and assumed ethical non-monogamy would be too much for me, but after just a few messages with him I’m hooked.

He sends me a photo of them together and suddenly the idea of being a play thing in their relationship feels thrilling and irresistible. Like me, she’s bisexual and both of them prefer to have a connection with the person they’re dating rather than a one night stand.

I’m getting that delicious feeling that I’m falling down the rabbit hole into all sorts of trouble.

Wednesday

I’m back in my house, and it’s the usual relentless round of packing school bags, school runs, too many hours at a laptop, making dinner, bath, bed, repeat.

As much as I hate to admit it, I turn to dating apps in the more tedious moments. They are a door to a world beyond the domestic bubble that I inhabit and provide a much-needed flutter of endorphins when I hit it off with the right person at the right time.

The major flaw in this plan is that I’m a single parent who lives in the middle of the countryside. Spontaneity is near-impossible, and it’s a regular barrier to making any progress with people I’m actually interested in meeting.

To fight the boredom today I want something more reliable, someone I know will give me what I want without having to leave my house. My ex and I have never been able to conduct a conversation without it ending in flirting and reminiscing about a hot weekend together.

We start chatting and within the hour we’re having phone sex and it’s just as fiery as it ever was, even if this time it means standing in the kitchen to keep from waking my daughter.

Thursday

I wake up after a night of dreams about my ex, feeling equal parts frustrated and satisfied. Once we finished last night we talked about me staying with him soon when I’m away for work.

My day is lost in thoughts of what it will feel like to make our late night conversations a reality. There’s something liberating about revisiting a relationship and rinsing it for all the things that were incredible between you, without feeling the strings.

I’m tired of feeling guilt for wanting a sex life – whether that’s because I’m a ‘nice’ girl, because I’m a single mum, or because I’ve had partners that weren’t interested in being physical – there’s been so much judgement levelled on what I desire.

As another routine parenting day rolls on, I think about how much of me has been hidden as a result, from clandestine phone sex, to sneaking out during school hours just to avoid stripping the fun out of any encounter by having to organise childcare.

Friday

I’m meeting the couple who want to date me and honestly I don’t know what to do with myself. I can’t sit still, my concentration is long gone and I’m more nervous than I can ever remember being before a date.

Then I get a text from him to say she won’t be able to make it but she’s happy for him to come alone if I don’t mind. I feel a wave of relief as I’m on firmer ground with the dynamics of dating a man, but I can’t shake the nerves entirely.

I get through my day and wave my daughter off for the weekend with her dad, and finally have time to focus on getting ready.

He’s waiting for me outside the bar when I arrive and leans in to hug me. I’d expected it to feel different because of the three-sided relationship at play but I’m at ease with him straight away.

We talk and laugh, and slowly our legs entangle under the table. And then he kisses me, and the fireworks start. It’s easy to forget how intoxicating this feeling is.

We’re the last ones in the bar, sending updates to his partner between intense kisses and wandering hands. He walks me to my car and two hours later we’re still there, trying desperately to keep from crossing the line that they agreed on.

Saturday

I couldn’t sleep last night. I haven’t felt like that after a date in so long. It’s addictive, that thrill of not knowing what the other person will do next, how they kiss, how they want to be touched.

My daydreaming is interrupted by a message from him, confirming plans to meet tomorrow with his partner, and the nerves hit like a sledgehammer all over again.

I’m so attracted to them both, and the playful flirting that goes on in our group chat all day is adding fuel to the fire, but I can’t shake the worry that I’m going to get too attached.

I tend to feel and experience everything so intensely that I lose myself. Only this time there’s another relationship to consider, and I don’t know how to navigate this road, it’s new territory and it scares me.

I spend the evening trying to relax, and figuring out how to dress for a date with a man and a woman.

Sunday

I meet the couple in town.

Walking towards them through the crowd, I feel my stomach flip when he smiles at me. She hugs me and we walk through the busy streets to find coffee, chatting as easily as if we’d known each other for years.

I thought I’d feel jealous seeing him with another woman but I find myself totally charmed by the way they are together. Tender and playful, they have that sense of floating together that some couples are lucky to enjoy.

As we sit in a crowded café, his leg brushing mine again under the table, I’m surprised to find I don’t feel like a third wheel. In fact, there’s a giddy satisfaction in knowing that everyone around us is oblivious to what might happen here.

I’m distracted by the smell of his aftershave, and the way he touches my back as he passes, but I’m also falling under her spell. She’s beautiful, funny, and feisty – a truly dangerous combination.

We say goodbye a few hours later and I spend another sleepless night letting my hands wander while I imagine what they have in store for me.

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