If you’d told me six months ago that Quality Street was a UK fan favourite, an institution no Christmas is complete without, I’d have shrugged and said: ‘Yeah, nah, mate.’
You see, on the other side of the world, all the way past Australia, somewhere before Antarctica (and usually left off the map completely) a little place called New Zealand has shunned your festive favourites.
In a country of just five million, the Nestle treat predominantly lives at The Warehouse, which Kiwis will know is more or less a very budget M&S. They’re usually put in the shopping trolley only to be ditched at the checkout for something better.
If you need to take a minute, go ahead, this must be a lot to hear.
Upon landing at Heathrow in April from Auckland, ready to make London my new home, I expected all the cliché things: Big Ben, Buckingham Palace, ‘Alright guv’nor’, and red buses.
Instead, I found out about a nation-wide obsession with the treats I assumed were rubbish.
The nation’s love for the chocolates wrapped in jewel-coloured paper only became apparent when I wrote about how the nation was devastated to hear that John Lewis was no longer offering personalised tins with their pick-n-mix.
There’s nothing like an uproar about personalised tins to pique a gal’s interest, so naturally, it was straight to Sainsbury’s to pick up a box.
Much like Cadbury Roses or Favourites – which, side note, are our Kiwi festive ‘tradition’ – the selection of different flavours was an immediate five-stars in my book. You knocked it out of the park, Nestle. Bury me in Strawberry Delight.
And with the Quality Street wrong now righted, it provoked a big question: what other delights are our two fare nations ignoring of the other’s?
‘I’ll never be able to live without Tesco meal deals again’
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As well as your obsession with Quality Street, moving to London has revealed lunchtime meal deals are an accepted way of life and honestly, someone should tell New Zealand about it.
I know, it’s unbelievable to the average Brits but I was stunned to venturing into Tesco, Sainsbury’s, or Co-Op, and find a grown-up version of a snack plate which ticks all the boxes, including affordability.
At home, I was spending a good $25 (£11.53) a day on lunch because meal deals are isolated to McDonald’s and KFC – even cafes refuse to give a locals discount.
Coming here and realising you don’t need to sell your arm in order to buy lunch is a pleasure I’ll never be ready to give up.
‘The cost of London transport is outrageous’
However, I can’t quite say the same about the pied piper, aka TFL.
Everyone tells you before you move to London that you’ve got to beware of pickpocketers and the scary dudes on motorcycles who will nab your phone straight out of your hand.
No one tells you TFL is the biggest thief of all. Every time I travel to the office for a cheeky £10 a day, I’m left wondering what treat I could have brought from Boots’ £10 Tuesday.
In exchange for your Quality Streets, Brits ought to get in on the cheap travel that’s the norm in New Zealand.
The cost of transport in London is outrageous. I mean, not to make your wallets cry or anything but my home’s largest city, Auckland, just announced a $50 (£23) seven day fare cap. That’s a maximum fare of about £3.20 per day.
You can travel as much as you want via bus, train, or ferry for just $50, which is simply bonkers when you say it out loud. But alas, it’s one point for NZ.
Why do Brits do Marmite so badly?
Metro’s picture editor, Steven Lawrence, has been in the UK for more than three decades, but there’s still one thing he just can’t get his head around about the UK.
He says: ‘As a 30 year plus immigrant from New Zealand, I understand the British obsession with Quality Street – largely based around nostalgia for Christmas and trying not to be left with the rubbish ones. The question really should be: why Brits do Marmite SO badly?
‘How did it all go wrong when you are starting out with the byproducts of beer? The slimy mess you’ve ended up with doesn’t even spread on your toast!
‘Why struggle with this when you could be having the absolute heaven that is NZ Marmite? It spreads evenly and then melts with the butter into your toast – heaven.
‘I have this argument with my wife quite regularly but we will never agree – she has a painting of marmite hanging in the kitchen.
‘What do agree on is that Australia’s Vegemite is disgusting.’
‘Why can’t Brits make a decent cup of coffee?’
And I’m about to hand New Zealand another point because, as lovely as the UK and Europe is, your coffee has been the primary topic of far too many phone calls home.
As of mid-2022, the UK population reached a staggering 67.6 million people. Why can’t a single one of you can make a coffee that removes my under-eye-bag circles after one sip? I am in desperate need of your services.
Truthfully, the coffee here isn’t terrible, but I do have fears that my first flat white upon returning to NZ may leave me unable to sleep for a good three to five business days.
What’s with all the public boozing?
Jed Bradley, one of Metro’s Video Producers, moved to the UK a year ago. He found one British habit very weird indeed.
‘In New Zealand, if you walk around drinking alcohol in public, you’ll get slapped with a huge fine. But in the UK, you can buy it anywhere and drink it carefree. It still feels a bit wrong to me just wandering around with a pint.
‘That being said, Kiwis have embraced the tradition here. Thousands of us take to the streets for the annual Waitangi Day Pub Crawl, which celebrates the signing of the Treaty of Waitangi, kind of like our Independence Day.
‘It begins at 10am, on-theme Kiwi costumes are mandatory and despite it going against my NZ sensibilities, more than 2,000 of us get into the swing of it…’
‘British pies aren’t as good as they are back home’
Next up, Brits, I’m coming after your pies.
Now, while you absolutely nail a Sunday roast, New Zealanders like to think that meat pies are part of our national identity.
I know you’re going to be horrified by this news, citing steak and kidney pie, or pork pies as British culinary delights. But if you’re friends with one of us expats, you’ll know UK pies just don’t hit the same.
An NZ pie is perfect for any meal, yes, even breakfast, with buttery pastry, pipping hot meat filling and a dollop of tomato sauce on top, they’re a walking heart attack but as the folks back home always say: ‘She’ll be right’.
While I’m not a big pie person, my boyfriend is and continues to tell me every time we spot a meaty pastry concoction that ‘they’re not as good as back home,’ because ‘there’s not enough pastry’.
Thankfully, your beautiful country does sell Kiwi pies in a couple of places, so we’re just about coping.
‘Mayo has no place on chips’
Brits, we’re approaching our word count, so it’s almost time for me to love you and leave you, but before I do, I have one last qualm: hot chips and mayonnaise.
As far as this Kiwi is concerned, it’s a rogue choice and one that gave me a jump scare when I smothered my perfect golden fries in the white sauce, thinking it was aioli, only to be proven wrong.
In New Zealand, we stick to the standard ketchup, maybe BBQ or aioli if you’re feeling fancy, with mayonnaise being the reserve of salad only. And I must say, six months in, I’m still attempting to come round to the idea.
It’s not a total no from me, so I’ll be spending the next 18 months of my visa dabbling in the combo – among other British specialties, of course.
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