I gripped the steering wheel tighter, trying to steady my trembling hands. The silence in the car was deafening. After 15 years of structured custody arrangements, everything could change with a single answer from my twin sons.
Since their mother and I separated when they were three, our lives had been governed by court-mandated schedules. The 50/50 split looked fair on paper, but the reality was missing half of my children’s lives — their first ride on a bicycle, lost teeth, play dates and countless small moments that many parents take for granted.
Every second Sunday brought the same ritual — packing bags, driving them to their mother’s house — followed by the long, quiet drive back to my empty home.
The boys, always together, showed remarkable resilience. Even when sports uniforms got left behind or homework mysteriously vanished between houses, they never complained.
But I knew it impacted them; they would hesitate before making weekend plans, checking whose “time” it was or navigating between houses.
During those early post-divorce years, I’d lie awake in my empty house, imagining a future where I might live full time with my children again.
I channeled that hope into action, renovating their rooms to create the perfect space — individual study nooks, gaming setups and space for entertaining friends. I eventually remarried, and my second wife, Cecilia, understood my dream and became both a loving stepmother and a trusted confidante, helping to create a home where the boys could thrive.
Unlike many divorced families, where children eventually age out of custody arrangements by leaving for college, our situation in Australia was different.
Here, most university students live at home while attending school. My sons would soon start their courses just 15 minutes from both their mother’s house and mine, making their choice of residence even more significant. As they approached 18, their choice of where they would live had me anxious.
Michelle Felder, psychotherapist and founder of Parenting Pathfinders, explains that parents often struggle with anxious thoughts about their children’s choices.
She advises replacing these thoughts with, “Their love for me hasn’t changed; their needs have. It’s a good thing that they’re able to be more independent and make more decisions about how they spend their time.”
The transition to adulthood brings unique pressures for children of divorce. Reena B. Patel, a parenting expert and licensed educational board-certified behaviour analyst, has observed this firsthand in her practice.
“This creates stress as they navigate whether to prioritise their own feelings or those of their parents,” she said.
“Young adults often feel torn between their desire for independence and their worry about disappointing either parent, leading them sometimes to put their own needs last.”
That’s why Nancy Kislin, therapist, speaker and author, emphasises the importance of separating our interpretations from reality.
“Parents should focus on their own feelings rather than interpreting choices as favouritism,” she explains. “This includes creating open lines of communication and regularly checking in with the child about their preferences and experiences.”
Parents can help by being attentive to their children’s needs while staying grounded in their own emotional well-being. Parents should recognise that their child’s evolving independence doesn’t reflect a lack of love or attention but growth.
Back in the car that day, my sons finally broke the silence with their verdict: “We’ll keep the current schedule as we begin uni.”
I was both relieved and proud of their maturity; it was a Solomon-worthy solution. With new courses, new friends and major life changes ahead, they chose stability over change.
They wouldn’t have to disappoint either parent — at least not yet. They said they’d reassess in a few months, but for now, they would keep their schedule and move between houses.
For parents navigating similar transitions, experts recommend these key strategies:
1. Maintain consistent communication while respecting space
Felder advises parents to “start discussions early and give your child ample time to decide what works for them. ” For example, instead of demanding immediate responses about weekend plans, try opening conversations with, “I’m planning my week — what are you thinking about for Sunday?” This approach acknowledges their independence while maintaining connection.
2. Support independence through actions, not just words
“Respect and honour decisions they are making and don’t make them feel bad or guilty for it,” advises Patel. She emphasises that young adults need to know their choices will be supported without negative consequences. This might mean adjusting long-standing family traditions to accommodate their evolving lives. If your child suggests alternating holiday celebrations or creating new traditions that fit their schedule, embrace these changes as positive signs of their growing autonomy rather than viewing them as rejections.
3. Model healthy boundary-setting
“Setting healthy boundaries is vital,” explains Kislin. “This includes creating open lines of communication and regularly checking in with the child about their preferences and experiences.” Parents can demonstrate this by being transparent about their own needs while respecting their child’s boundaries. Establish mutual expectations about communication and visit protocols rather than expecting immediate responses to texts or spontaneous visits.
Last week, my sons came over on their “off” week to raid our fridge and pick up their golf clubs. As they ate on our couch, arguing about their fantasy football league and using up my monthly WiFi data allowance, I realised the schedule they chose to keep was more than maintaining the status quo. It was also about keeping both worlds intact ahead of a massive life change. Over the years, they had matured into young adults. While I spent months agonising over their decision, they simply chose what felt right and worked for them now.
I still check my phone too often and count the days between visits, but now, when they walk through the door — scheduled or not — I just make sure the fridge is full, and the WiFi signal is strong.
